Many women find that growing older with a partner has its benefits. You know each other well, have a shared history and can enjoy the sense of rediscovery and loss of inhibitions that often occur as we go through the menopause. You have more time, perhaps as your child rearing or long work days are coming to a close, for pleasurable activities which may include a more relaxed intimate physical relationship.
But you may have lost the desire to have sex - always too tired, fed up or feeling quite unsexy. You can't remember the last time you made love, just a peck on the cheek each night before going to sleep. Or even if there is desire, you may still have problems with vaginal dryness and painful intimacy. Don't worry; you can do something about it.
Here are some ideas:
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Vaginal HRT (from a GP) is an oestrogen cream, in pessary, tablet, ring or cream form. It is best to use preparations containing oestriol which is thought to be the weakest and least carcinogenic of all the oestrogens.
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Omega 7 in Seabuckthorn Oil Capsules has been shown in some clinical studies to help vaginal dryness. The Omega 7 fatty acid lines the surface of the urino-genital tracts and also acts as an antioxidant.
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Lubrication makes physical intimacy easier although it is best to use a non-petrochemical based gel which is organic, paraben and fragrance free such as V-gel or the Yes range.
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Maca is a plant (similar to a radish or turnip) from South America which is available as a food supplement in the form of a capsule, containing the plant's powdered root. You can take up to 800mg per day to help improve your sex drive but there are no reliable clinical trials yet.
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You may also be experiencing problems with being unable to control when you go for a pee or your vagina may feel loose. Pelvic floor exercises will help together with a Pelvic Floor Educator and Pelvic Floor Exercise system.
Talking about it
Touch, love and intimacy are extremely important for some through the menopause but not necessarily as part of full blown penetrative sex. Tell your partner you want to talk about your sex life. See it as something to work on together. It is the quality of your partnership (particularly mutual respect) that gives an emotional closeness which will ultimately bring satisfying sexual experiences. If you want a healthy sex life, start by talking and sharing each other's lives again. You may be scared to make the first move - but one of you has to!
Being open and discussing your menopause with your partner will make it easier for both of you. Women have found the following to be good starting points:
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The menopause used to be called the 'change', but I will be basically the same woman after it. My symptoms will stop but I just don't know when.
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It is normal to feel less sexy through the menopause but this doesn't mean I don't fancy or love you anymore and it shouldn't last forever.
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It may hurt when we make love. This is normal and there are many treatments that will help.
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It would make me feel valued and understood if we could talk about how I am feeling and coping from time to time.
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Sometimes a cuddle is all I want, just to let me know that you care.
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The frequency, variety and unpredictability of my symptoms can be overwhelming at times. It can feel as though the real me is hidden.
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It is important that you know and remember that this will not last forever. I am taking steps to try and help myself. It would be really good if you could help me too.
Remember also, your partner may be having his or her own problems with intimacy. As far as men are concerned, women are much luckier as our sex drive can continue at the same level from our early 30s right into our 60s and 70s, while a man's sex drive starts to reduce from the age of 19 onwards. Your partner's inability to have or maintain the erection he is used to will be more to do with his worry about it, rather than whether he still sees you as sexy. Help him, you can take charge subtly and show that you feel sexy with him. Show him that you are in this together.
The saying 'use it or lose it' really is applicable to sex during and after the menopause. If you are regularly sexually active and take care of yourself, you can maintain sexual activity for the rest of your life. This is also true of those who don't have a partner at the moment. If you wish to stay sexually active it is a good idea to remind your body what it's like to feel sexy. For some this may maintain your sense of being a woman, whilst for others the physical sexual side of their lives is no longer important to them. Both approaches are absolutely normal.